comedy central

SIMPLE TRUTH 1 Partners help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you after you're screwed. SIMPLE TRUTH 2 When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say "congrats". But, none of...

THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY! We Must Stop This Immediately! Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become...

The New Priest A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done. The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass ... If I start to get...

THE FUNNY SIDE OF CHILDHOOD ...1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in...

Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?" "Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike...

To all my dearest friends, I need some help. My cousin's cat had kittens and he was able to give away all but 3 of them. I told him I would help him find homes for the last 3. I can't take one but if three of you could take just one it would be such a help and the kittens could have a nice...

Wrong House Call The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear. "How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?" "Oh, Mom, the baby won't eat; the washing machine is broken; I haven't been able to get out of the house to shop; I twisted my ankle...

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." The following is actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a...

The Perfect Dress Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found...

Shove It Up Your ...! Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the...

The Miser's Last Wish The Miser's Last Wish There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife...

Stumpy and Martha's plane ride One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really...

A Baptist Bra A man walked into the women's department of Macy's in New York City. He told the saleslady, "I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B." With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?" He repeated, "A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she...

The Church An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple, wanted to join a church. The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The...

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of...

A middle aged woman goes to see a plastic surgeon about a face lift. She says she's starting to get lines and wrinkles in her face and wants them gone. He examines her and says "There's a great new technique out that I would like to try on you. It's called The Knob. It's different from a regular...

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place. He...

A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, 'PINCH...

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly...

There was a man who had had a headache for twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first. No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your man jigglies are pressed up against...

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool) They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come...

Don't Talk To My Parrot Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish-washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry...

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said...

Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them...

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex. The first old lady said she enjoyed sex all the time, and just as much as ever. The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was. The first old lady said when...

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with a see through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that! The teenager tells her, "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You got to let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes. The...

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere?" he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager. "And, he might be glad to split the cost. But...

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while...

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it read "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.After he had told the florist of the obvious...

A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for speeding. The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses, and swaggered up to the young man's window. "What chew driving so fast for boy? You going to a fahhr? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed...

Band-aids Marcus staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by...

Ways to annoy telemarketers Reply to all their questions in song. As soon as they name the corporation they represent begin barking relentlessly. Proudly describe what you found in your ear this morning. Ask them what color underwear they are wearing today. Interrupt them repeatedly to...

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man...