comedy central

A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND...

Can't eat A golden oldie... Can't eat pork, Swine flu. Can't eat chicken, Bird flu. Can't eat Beef, Mad cow. Can't eat eggs, Salmonella. Can't eat fish, heavy metal poisons in their waters. Can't eat fruits and veggies, insecticides and herbicides. Hmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!! M M...

Naked Diet A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. "Guaranteed my a$$", he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and...

KIDS IN CHURCH KIDS IN CHURCH 3-year-old Reese : 'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.' ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I...

Happy friday everyone, saw these and just had to share, enjoy! This applies to beer too! Red

Texas Women A TRUE STORY FROM... "THE HOUSTON HERALD" HOUSTON , TEXAS Last Thursday night around midnight, a woman from Houston , Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse. The following Monday...

Family dinner One day a lady from the church had come over and had given a gift for all the wonderful sermons that her husband has given. Mrs. Johnson had said, "Thank you very much but what is it?" The lady said, "It is a Dam ham." Mrs. Johnson looked shocked and said, "Don't speak that way to...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So...

Old People's Football An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points." His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football... I just scored." A few minutes later the wife lets...

Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement. A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about the $10,000 dollars prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer". Jake looked at Bubba, a 6' 4"...

Underwear dust One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!' His wife was not amused, and decided...

Subject: 2+2+2=7 You gotta love him! Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven, Sir. Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven...

PUBLIC TOILET This is a picture of a public toilet in Houston from the outside:(scroll down.) Now that you've seen the outside view, take a look at the inside view... It's made entirely of one-way glass! No one can see you from the outside, but when you are inside...

Adult Scrabble... Rearrange the letters to spell out an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect. P N E S I See Answer Below...

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.' ************************** In a Podiatrist's office: Time Wounds All Heels. ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals--on Wheels ************************** At a Proctologist's door: To expedite...

S O M E T I M E S Sometimes... when you cry.... no one sees your tears. Sometimes... when you are in pain. no one sees your hurt. Sometimes. when you are worried.. no one sees your stress Sometimes... when you are happy.. no one sees your smile ...... - - -...

Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems. Bill's company installed a car wash system in Frederick , Maryland . Now, understand that these are complete systems, including the money changer and money taking machines. The problem started when the new owner complained to...

Here are some funnies for your sunday evening. Last one is my favorite! Tee Hee Red

Whew, I'm OK! TEST FOR ALCOHOLISM!!! I am not an alcoholic according to the test results. I have been concerned about a few of you so when I saw this simple test, I thought I should forward it to you : Simple Alcoholism test that you can take in the privacy of your computer...... This...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee. 2.Law of Gravity- Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 3.Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is...

Dad will never sayTop Ten Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say 10. Well, how 'bout that?... I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. 9. You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun? 8. I noticed that all your...

Sunday's laughs Hi all, here are some cartoons I found and just had to share, hope you enjoy, have a great and safe week, and HH!!! Red And last but not least.........

Girl's Night Out Females should avoid a girl's night out after they are married ... If this does not make you laugh out loud; you have lost your sense of humor!! The other night I was invited out for a night with the "girls". I told my husband that I would be home by midnight...

THE TOILET SEAT Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came in and undressed to take a shower...

I Owe My Mother 1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning." 2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet." 3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't...

Wednesday's Pictures to make you smile Hi everyone, happy wednesday, hope everyone had a good day. Got these from a freind today, and just had to share, hope you enjoy them as much as I did, take care, and stay safe! :hello: :dontknow: Chocolate is a health food!:laughing7: Really...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actual said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first...

Chinese Sex While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there. A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his hoo haw covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a...

After the eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Maxine, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?" "Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband," she said. She stepped out into the crowded reception room and...

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his certificate...

Happy friday, here are today's funnies, and for a change, let's laugh along with some great dog pictures, have a great weekend, stay safe and HH!! This one is for Chug:laughing7: :laughing7: just had to share this one, bet you were expecting another dog pic huh? LOL Red...

Comcast.net - Email currently unavailable Hi all, saw this and just had to share, hope you all had a great day, stay safe and HH! Red:laughing7:

Letter to Husband My darling husband, Before you return from your business trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truckwhen I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too...

Snappy Bumper Stickers It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame. You are not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. We have enough "youth". How about a fountain of "smart"? The original point and click interface was...

Donald & Daisy Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy. The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?" Donald frowned and said, "No." Daisy told Donald that if...

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 94 years old. Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young...

Bless her little heart.....How sweet........The secret to long life... A doctor on his morning walk, noticed the old lady pictured above:, She was sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look...

Red here, some funnies for today, hope you all enjoy! Think they shoulda let the woodpecker fly! And the last one for today is this little gem Doctor asks pregnant prostitute. "Do you know who the father is?" Prostitute replies, "Oh! For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of beans would you...

In Honor of Chug's Birthday Today $5.37 It could happen to any of us.. This is so funny; I hope you enjoy it. $5.37! That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly...

Stuff You Didn't Know, You Didn't Know Stuff you didn't know you didn't know! ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---- Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better. ------------ --------- --------- --------- Coca-Cola was originally green. ------------...