comedy central

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, and play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom...

People your age HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, “SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD”? WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE. MY NAME IS ALICE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE...

DIALOGUE BETWEEN A LADY INTERVIEWER WITH A MALE BEER DRINKER: Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day? Man: Yes. ... Lady Interviewer: How much a day? Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon. Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost? Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli. Lady...

Some hit songs of the 60s and 70s are being revised with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:Herman's Hermits: Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker The Bee Gees: How Can You Mend a Broken Hip? Bobby Darin: Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash Ringo Starr: I Get By With a...

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking pot and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go ou...t this weekend and try to show others the evils of...

Gentle Thoughts for Today Birds of a feather flock together . . And then **** on your car. A penny saved is a Government oversight. The older you get, the tougher It is to lose weight, because by Then your body and your fat have Gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find...

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent...

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter...

Some not too smart gangsters decide to rob a bank. After several days of planning they agree on the best plan. The next day they get to work and are able to get into the bank relatively easy thanks to their planning. Once inside the main vault they discover one wall is full of safety deposit...

A little old man answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a very well-dressed young man in a navy blue pinstriped suit, red silk tie, white shirt, shoes polished like black mirrors, and carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple...

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say a$$." "OK!"...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger stands in the pouring down rain. "Can you give me a push?" he asks while hanging onto the door frame. "Not a chance" says the husband --...

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age? Little Old Lady: I am 94 years old. Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st? Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young...

Sunday's pets Red

Hope you all had a great weekend, and a wonderful Easter!!! Chug and Red

Saturday's laughs Red

Happy easter everyone, stay safe, have fun, and don't hurt the easter bunny if he does this in your basket! Red

A redneck from Baxley, Georgia decides to travel across the south to Virginia to see god's country. when he gets to Franklin, he likes the place so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job. He walks into the international paper company office and fills out an...

4 friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the toilet, while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became. No. 1 says his son studied economics became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a ferrari. No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own...

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, I would like to buy some cyanide. ' The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?' The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.' The...

Red here, I'll start, LOL 1. Miracle grow 2. Bottle of wine 3. Cool whip

Red

And this one ... Computer Repair Caller : Hi, our printer is not working. Customer Service: What is wrong with it? Caller : Mouse is jammed. Customer Service: Mouse? ... Printers don't have a mouse!!! Caller: Mmmmm??.. Oh really? ... I will send a picture. Red

Wednesday's cats and dogs Red

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way...

A redneck family are visiting a big city for the first time. The father ans son are in the hotel lobby when the spot an elevator. "What's that Paw?" The boy asked. "I ain't never did see nothin' like that in my life" Replied the father. Seconds later an old frail woman walks in the hotel door...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed...

Happy monday, I know, it's the best I could do! Red

It's friday! :hello2: Happy friday everyone, hope you all have a great weekend, with lots of great finds! We have 2 sunny days for hunting, woohoo! Hope you all stay safe, Sherriff Gumby will be busy this weekend, seems he met Snow White, and he seems to think this is his...

>Age Gracefully > >Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old, as long as she buys him a few drinks first. >My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. >Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. > >I've still got it...

Tuesday's laughs Red aka Dirty girl

Red

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door a...nd asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"...

There was an old man named Bozo, and all he had was a female donkey. One day he wins the lottery and gets $50,000. He doesn't know what to do with his money, so he decides to spend a night in a five star hotel. He asks for the finest room and starts going up the stairs with his female donkey...

Red

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The old man just groaned but didn't budge. The usher then became more impatient. "Sir, if you...

Have a great weekend! Red

It's friday! Red

Happy thursday everyone! Red

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy...