cheating wives

Sorry you got another mule kickin in your stall. Or several, it sounds like. I'm former LEO just like you. Surely you have been to many domestic disputes and heard one or the other say 'Well, I want to stay with him/her for the sake of the kids.' You know that's BS. Your kids know what's up. I have been through a divorce with minor children involved 17 years and 5 months ago. From my experiences, here's some advice. Hopefully your state has what's called a Protective Order. Not a restraining order. Violate the PO and you're arrested on the spot. File one on her claiming she hit you and threatened the kids. She can't come around you or the kids anywhere. She's kicked out of the house and can only take her personal belongings when it's served. When it goes to court, claim she didn't really hit you, but you're afraid someday she might. The judge will extend the order indefinitely. Oh, by the way, get a lawyer first, before she does. Get custody of the kids and child support payments. If she crosses you again after that, just report to Dept. of Human Services she didn't pay the child support, and they'll have her jailed, but at the hearing you can claim that was all a mistake and you found the receipt where she did pay after all. Don't get your hopes up about getting custody. In Oklahoma, the courts are great believers that children should be with the mother. The male has to prove his worth as a parent, the female has to be proven unworthy as a parent, right from the get go. And in that state, Dept. of Human Services, or DHS, stands for Department of Her Services. Sorry I'm a little bitter still about that, and I'm sure your case ain't near the same. Cowboy up and do the right thing. I don't think it's the right thing to stay together for the sake of the kids, if that's holdin you back from a decision.
 

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Staying together for the sake of the kids seems to do more harm than good many times...
 

C.W. look how much money you saved by not going to a marriage consular They would be telling you the same thing that this great bunch of people are trying to get it in your head. 4 days of therapy would cost you some bucks.
 

Civil War, I hope you take the good advice offered on here and make a good life for you and your kids. Good luck and stay safe.
 

Thanks bud
 

Been there, she done that. My advice is move on. I did with two teenaged kids, never a regret since, now I'm re-married (6 years), new lady is the love of my life. She loves to fish, hunt, and metal detect with me. Kinda funny if a guys marries too young, you are not selective enough. The new wife's a keeper.
 

since this is a treasure forum after all-- might I add a good woman (like my current lovely wife) is a treasure better to have than gold, rubies and money * and a bad one (like my ex first wife) is like a bad tooth in that the sooner you get rid of the problem, the better off you are --so its best to "yank the tooth" and thus stop the festering and get to on with the healing .

I too gave my then wife a "second chance" but to be honest things just were not the same --the "trust" had been broken and I found out the "please forgive me and stay for the sake of the kids" bit was just a ploy to have me "accept" my new "role" as the "ball less" --yes dear husband , who sit stupidly by as his wife serial screws around behind his back with others.

you offered her a "chance" if it was a mistake and if she really meant to change ,she would have --since she didn't it --the "stay for the kids sake" was "just a ploy" to try to get you to knuckle under and stick around and accept your "new role" , if you stay she then knows your "too weak to leave her" -- and then she's got you by the mind , heart wallet and balls -- now is the time to make a major life altering choice -- #1 live as her slave in shame as "the ball less wonder" or #2 man up and move on --pick one -- I did --I've got a great wife now , but know the ex will hate you forever for having the strength to "move on" out of her grasp and control * and do not use the kids as "weapons of war" by trash talking about her , they are not stupid -they see ,they know and by being a class act --you will look all the better for it, in their eyes in the end.

remember this always -- folks can only treat you with disrespect if you let them do so * --when folks try to treat me with disrespect , I tell them "hell no, who do you think your screwing with"?
 

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There's 24 years of TRUST in our marriage and have Twin daughters (turning 21)..and Happy!!! He don't care if I :metaldetector: all day
 

kick her to the curb,after a 15 years of being together caught mine talking to a guy in a place she should have not been,of courase she tried to lie her why out ,she was sent packin the next day,life is to short!!!
 

Civil_War, it has been 7 days since I responded to your initial post.

Plenty great responses since then. Some are extreme responses due to concern for you and anger they feel for you.

What I say is this:

In love with her, crushed for now, CW - YOU do NOT have to settle for this life. Trust me, it does get better. Takes time YES. You have a life well beyond this. It is time for you to think about YOU and your children. You are the example they will follow - IF you provide that example.

DO IT!!!!!

When I was going through mine, I kept living it. Finally one of my best friends yelled at me "Why don't you just get over it!"

And that awakened me, and I got over it.

You do the same my friend. The world is yours, and her world is all screwed up destined for climactic events.

Stand separate from that. SHE will never be happy, not possible. But you can my friend :)
 

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jeff-gordon said:
if you KNOW she's a serial cheater and has been for years the decision should be easy. if you stay you know what you're gonna get.
Click to expand...

Jeff hit the nail on the head! If you stay now, you have to accept and expect that behavior. I certainly could not accept it. You are worth more than just being her door mat! Don't let anyone treat you like that, you seem like a descent guy, that many women will really appreciate!
 

I supplied no-fee counseling, including suicide counseling, to an estimated 1,600+ divorced men from 1984 to 1993.

Some good advice here. Some bad advice here. Mostly bad.

And, I will say if you don't get wised up fast, you are going to lose everything.

Things are much worse now. In most states, all she has to do is dial 911 and say two words, "I'm afraid." And, your life as you know it will be over.

Not to mention what happens if she accuses you of a specific type of abuse of daughters.

When I was counseling, a man could stand up for his rights, and bring up all her faults, and might perhaps win custody.

Now, you have to be very conciliatory; not anger her; nor make her afraid she is going to lose her kids. That means take shared custody as the norm. If you do get the kids, be very liberal with her contact with them. And, don't ask for support payments beyond the legal schedule. Judges get sick and tired of listening to adultery accusations. In most states it's not even a crime. They want to hear what you can do for the kids, not a litany of her sins.

Should you have to kiss up to an adulterous woman? No, but in real life, yes, you do.

As far as claims that this state or that one makes those decisions based on her adultery, highly unlikely. Almost all states have "the best interests of the kids" as higher priority than your feelings about being cuckolded.

If you get past the false charges and actually get to a custody hearing, you had better have an album full of photos you with them, doing everything. You had better have a log showing you take them to the doctor. Staying home with them when they are sick. You had better know size of every garment they wear. You had better know which shots they have had, and when the next ones are due. You had better know the color of their eyes, and any birthmarkes. And, your mom had better have a similar log.

Let me say I never knew a man who contemplated suicide over his wife's adultery. No, but they did it over losing their kids.

I have even told men what I am going to tell you. If you can calm down and live with her conduct, and keep those kids together with both of you, do it. Man up and do what it takes to keep those kids safe, instead of worrying about your own male ego.

It sounds like you are all concerned with her conduct, and the kids are lesser priority. And, a judge will spot that in a second. Stop worrying about her conduct, and think only about the kids. Or you will lose them, guaranteed.

In my own case, I thought only about the kids, and she has no idea to this day that I knew what she did. Other men who know nothing, usually childless men, scream at me when I say that. But, my kids were all I cared about. Her rock band punk finally got bored with her, and we have been married another 30 years. And, the kids prospered. If I had been a manly man, and confronted her, both of those kids would probably be dead today. Me, too.

You need an attorney who knows what he is doing. There are a few women attorneys who can help men, but most are locked into Team Woman. And, you need an attorney with experience with men's issues. When I was counseling, the average attorney in our community handled 8 divorces a year, and I was working with over 150 a year. If you can find a good Father's Rights Group and have someone who actually does legal research, that would help a lot. And, they can find you a competent attorney. Else, hit the Internet.

And, most of all, please do not take advice from those who really know nothing about divorce issues.
 

I just went back and re-read some of the comments on this thread. Most of them ignore those kids and ignore things like VAWA. They are heavily into your manhood issues, which has little to do with those kids.

A few said it is not a good idea to stay together for the kids. I have known many men who have not seen their kids for years, and wish they had had the opportunity to ignore her adultery as I did.

If you care for your kids, the choice in most cases is you being with the kids by ignoring her conduct, or her having the kids alone, with strange men visiting a lot. Most sex abuse of little girls is by the mom's boy friend.

Manhood. Or kids. Your decision.
 

piegrande said:
I just went back and re-read some of the comments on this thread. Most of them ignore those kids and ignore things like VAWA. They are heavily into your manhood issues, which has little to do with those kids.

A few said it is not a good idea to stay together for the kids. I have known many men who have not seen their kids for years, and wish they had had the opportunity to ignore her adultery as I did.

If you care for your kids, the choice in most cases is you being with the kids by ignoring her conduct, or her having the kids alone, with strange men visiting a lot. Most sex abuse of little girls is by the mom's boy friend.

Manhood. Or kids. Your decision.
Click to expand...
I for one think staying for the sake of kids is a bad idea, however you bring up a VERY valid point "Most sex abuse of little girls is by the mom's boy friend."
 

Thank you, Diesel. At least one person here understands why one would want to ignore her behavior and stay with the kids IF YOU CAN. Good man.

Lest anyone think I am just a wimp, as evil as it sounds, I would say it might not hurt to hope that she dies in a flaming, drunken car wreck while running around with these guys. Heh, heh.

I also spend a lot of time on a message board whose title includes the words Don't get married. As long as the system forces me to tell you that if you can, ignore your wife's adultery, because it's the only way you can protect your kids, no sane man should consider getting married in the USA. The divorce rate is 40% for first marriages, and a 40% possibility that your kids will be raised without you, with high chances they become druggies or convicts, is simply not tolerable.

I realize there are good women, but we men have no way to tell which is which.
 

Also, she may pull the trigger anyway, no matter what you do. At this time the laws and courts pretty much give the woman full control. The guys who talk tough do not seem to understand most judges are very proud to be Don Quixotes who save damsels in distress. Or one guy gets away with something and then assumes all REAL MEN (tm) can also do it. That is why you need an attorney who actually knows what the courts are doing in real life.
 

piegrande said:
I supplied no-fee counseling, including suicide counseling, to an estimated 1,600+ divorced men from 1984 to 1993.

Some good advice here. Some bad advice here. Mostly bad.

And, I will say if you don't get wised up fast, you are going to lose everything.

Things are much worse now. In most states, all she has to do is dial 911 and say two words, "I'm afraid." And, your life as you know it will be over.

Not to mention what happens if she accuses you of a specific type of abuse of daughters.

When I was counseling, a man could stand up for his rights, and bring up all her faults, and might perhaps win custody.

Now, you have to be very conciliatory; not anger her; nor make her afraid she is going to lose her kids. That means take shared custody as the norm. If you do get the kids, be very liberal with her contact with them. And, don't ask for support payments beyond the legal schedule. Judges get sick and tired of listening to adultery accusations. In most states it's not even a crime. They want to hear what you can do for the kids, not a litany of her sins.

Should you have to kiss up to an adulterous woman? No, but in real life, yes, you do.

As far as claims that this state or that one makes those decisions based on her adultery, highly unlikely. Almost all states have "the best interests of the kids" as higher priority than your feelings about being cuckolded.

If you get past the false charges and actually get to a custody hearing, you had better have an album full of photos you with them, doing everything. You had better have a log showing you take them to the doctor. Staying home with them when they are sick. You had better know size of every garment they wear. You had better know which shots they have had, and when the next ones are due. You had better know the color of their eyes, and any birthmarkes. And, your mom had better have a similar log.

Let me say I never knew a man who contemplated suicide over his wife's adultery. No, but they did it over losing their kids.

I have even told men what I am going to tell you. If you can calm down and live with her conduct, and keep those kids together with both of you, do it. Man up and do what it takes to keep those kids safe, instead of worrying about your own male ego.

It sounds like you are all concerned with her conduct, and the kids are lesser priority. And, a judge will spot that in a second. Stop worrying about her conduct, and think only about the kids. Or you will lose them, guaranteed.

In my own case, I thought only about the kids, and she has no idea to this day that I knew what she did. Other men who know nothing, usually childless men, scream at me when I say that. But, my kids were all I cared about. Her rock band punk finally got bored with her, and we have been married another 30 years. And, the kids prospered. If I had been a manly man, and confronted her, both of those kids would probably be dead today. Me, too.

You need an attorney who knows what he is doing. There are a few women attorneys who can help men, but most are locked into Team Woman. And, you need an attorney with experience with men's issues. When I was counseling, the average attorney in our community handled 8 divorces a year, and I was working with over 150 a year. If you can find a good Father's Rights Group and have someone who actually does legal research, that would help a lot. And, they can find you a competent attorney. Else, hit the Internet.

And, most of all, please do not take advice from those who really know nothing about divorce issues.
Click to expand...
FINALLY, real good advice that can be utilized! Thanks pg.

Please do try to put any ego aside, I know it can be hurtful, what she has done. Perhaps a one time thing is understandable, "serial cheater", uhhh...... I don't know that I would want my kids raised and/or exposed to THAT kinda lifestyle envoriment. Men in and out, all the time, (I have already seen the result, of what that does to a child, firsthand, and it's not pretty). I have also seen cases where, YEAH, better the kids not be with THAT parent, too. Some parents.... well..... just ain't good parents or adults, sad to say.

Get your head together, and start thinking rationally, instead of emotionally.
Piegrande is right. men (and women) oughtta really think long and hard about the marriage thing, in todays society. The fact is, people change over time, and not always for the better or worse, just change, ideals, morals, values, wants, desires, etc.......

I have always recommended young men in similar situations as yourself, read these articles and if they are in a situation, perhaps this sight can help them find "like souls", to know they are not alone. I especially like the quiz on; Is She A Crazy Bit__? This is for info, please don't turn in to one of those women haters like on MGTOW or VFM, that's not gonna be helpful for you, in this situation, imho.
A Shrink for Men | for men who are recovering from relationships with abusive women and the non-abusive family and friends who love them

Just please, whatever you do, be smart! There are many good men and women out there, there are also a bunch of them with snakes in their heads! It's best to know what kind of animal your dealing with. Arm yourself with info, good info, and prepare. Try to keep the emotion filled drama of it all, to a minimum, especially in front of the kids. I'm real sorry ya'll are having to go though this and wish you the best of luck! Take care.
 

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