Here are my picks for worst movie ever. I've even been kind enough to include a plot synopsis in the hopes that you will simply read my post and never, EVER have to see them.
First, 1980's movie called "The Stuff." Low budget horror flick with a flashy nasty 80's wardrobe about a yogurt called "The Stuff" that brainwashes everyone and turns them into a zombie. The white gunk is addictive--and it doesn't even have fruit on the bottom or granola sprinkles. So naturally the CEO's of the multinational corporation that made it are loving the sales. And somewhere in there they decide that being rich is not enough and in addition they'd like to just take over the world. (You see, they're not users, just pushers.) I still think that the anti-drug campaign of the 80's would have been much more effective if they tied kids to chairs and forced them to watch this film instead of showing them 20-second advertisements showing yummy munchies--I mean fried eggs sizzling in a pan...) Anyhow, back to the "plot"... A socially ignorant kid who never goes outside of his house long enough to see an advertisement for the product and probably doesn't even have a TV set somehow escapes the brainwashing and saves the world. I think there was a wise old Asian guy in it...or maybe that was just every other 1980's movie besides this one... Anyhow, apparently none of the producers of this still-born disaster of a movie ever stopped to consider how in the world the promoters of such a product could get anyone to buy a yogurt called "The Stuff" in the first place, much less a plain vanilla yogurt without fruit on the bottom or granola sprinkles...
Second 1980's cinematic abortion: "Remo Williams." This is a gross, shameful foray into mixing together a bad cop film, a mafia film, and a martial arts film. So a guy named "Remo Williams" (who looks like Stevie Seagal on meth) meets this random old wise Asian guy named "Chung." (REALLY original name there) He probably met him when "Chung" delivered his pint of pork fried rice from the local "Jade Dragon Buffet #714." Anyhow, so he finds out that this random old wise Asian guy is actually a martial arts master, and he decides to train with him--in Chung's upscale New York apartment??!!--so that he can really kick some butt. So it turns out that Chung has some cool moves (this part is almost redeemable), the greatest of which is his ability to run on the surface of a body of water without getting wet (no cheesy special effects here--just a platform hidden two inches below a lake). Remo is not able to master this trick. (Probably because he has no platform hidden two inches below a lake...) In the "dramatic climax" of the movie, Remo climbs all over the Statue of Liberty for 30 minutes of screen time trying to fistfight these dirty cop mafia dudes rather than just taking the easy route and shooting them. He then finds himself cornered by the dirty cop mafia dudes and surrounded by freshly poured cement. He then decides to try running across it and succeeds this time--EPIPHANY!!! Then the bad guys run after him and drown in the wet cement. And everybody is happy. And something is accomplished by all of this, but we're never quite sure what...
***SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: ATTEMPTING TO RENT OR PURCHASE THESE MOVIES POSES A SERIOUS RISK TO YOUR HEALTH***
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