BrisJoe
Sr. Member
- Dec 30, 2012
- 276
- 343
- Detector(s) used
- GPX5000, Whites Goldmaster, Garrett ATX
- Primary Interest:
- All Treasure Hunting
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex ?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
------------------------
There was a massive rainfall and a police officer goes out to a property pulls up and says to the christian farmer "quick grab what you can and get out of here you are in danger of drowning as the river has broken it's banks"
Farmer says "It's all OK my God will save me!"
The police officer tries convince the farmer to leave to no avail and leave him.
Several hours later an S.E.S. flood rescue boat turns up and they calls out to the farmer who is now sitting on the roof with flood waters up to the gutters "Quick get in we will rescue you as the waters are still rising"
Farmer says "It's all OK my God will save me!"
The S.E.S. crew members try convince the farmer to leave with them to no avail and leave him.
Several hours pass and a rescue helicopter arrives to find the farmer standing on the highest point of the roof with the waters up to his shoulders. They throw down a rescue line and call out on the loud speaker "Quick grab the line tie it to yourself and we will save you as the waters are still rising"
Farmer says "It's all OK my God will save me!"
Try as they might the farmer refuses their help and eventually they have to leave him due to low fuel.
A short time later the farmer drowns.
Up in heaven the farmer meets up with God and says "God why didn't you save me. I had complete faith that you would save me and yet I drowned?"
To which God answered " You refused my help even after I sent you a 4WD, boat and a helicopter! What more could you want"
------------
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your ar#e hole before prison..................
-----------------
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball
Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex ?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it!
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'?
A. About three inches.
Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.
Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
------------------------
There was a massive rainfall and a police officer goes out to a property pulls up and says to the christian farmer "quick grab what you can and get out of here you are in danger of drowning as the river has broken it's banks"
Farmer says "It's all OK my God will save me!"
The police officer tries convince the farmer to leave to no avail and leave him.
Several hours later an S.E.S. flood rescue boat turns up and they calls out to the farmer who is now sitting on the roof with flood waters up to the gutters "Quick get in we will rescue you as the waters are still rising"
Farmer says "It's all OK my God will save me!"
The S.E.S. crew members try convince the farmer to leave with them to no avail and leave him.
Several hours pass and a rescue helicopter arrives to find the farmer standing on the highest point of the roof with the waters up to his shoulders. They throw down a rescue line and call out on the loud speaker "Quick grab the line tie it to yourself and we will save you as the waters are still rising"
Farmer says "It's all OK my God will save me!"
Try as they might the farmer refuses their help and eventually they have to leave him due to low fuel.
A short time later the farmer drowns.
Up in heaven the farmer meets up with God and says "God why didn't you save me. I had complete faith that you would save me and yet I drowned?"
To which God answered " You refused my help even after I sent you a 4WD, boat and a helicopter! What more could you want"
------------
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your ar#e hole before prison..................
-----------------
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
